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Online marketing karaoke

Being an audioholic copywriter with a somewhat ironic passion for online marketing made me play around with music, generating parody covers of famous songs that can be related to daily work situations. It started as a joke with some seological frustrations, but I soon decided to call it a hobby and have now started to expand the themes within the online marketing spectrum.

Since we all know the songs but most of us can’t sing it half as good as the original artists, this is karaoke at its best. Online marketing karaoke, that is.

Queen – SEO Rhapsody
Billy Joel – Product Man
Metallica – Nothing else converts
Toto – Search Console
R.E.M. – Losing my Ambition
Oasis – Wondermail
David Bowie – Heroes (Customer Service)
Phil Collins – In this sprint go live
Nirvana – Smells like Slack Spirit
Rage Against the Machine – Clicking in the name of
Eurythmics – UX
David Bowie & Mick Jagger – Reviewing the sprint
Depeche Mode – Customised Dashboard
Elton John – I’m still spending
Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs – Display Banner
Chuck Berry – SEO be black
Boudewijn de Groot – SEO Stagiair
Nena – 99 Landingseiten
Het Goede Doel – SEO

Queen – SEO Rhapsody

Is this the real life
Or is this SEO
Caught in this website
No escape from this E-commerce

Open the SERPs
Look up to the source and see

I’m just in onpage
I need no sympathy
Because I’m easy found, easy lost
On mobile, and desktop

Any way the algo
Updates really matters to me

Sistrix,
Just built a link
Paid them thousand dollars cash
They put “nofollow” in the rel

Sistrix,
Ranking’s just begun
But now I’ve gone and thrown linkjuice away
Sistrix, oooh
Didn’t mean to go offline
If I’m not redirected this time tomorrow
Crawl no more
Crawl no more
As if nothing ever ranked there

Too late, the CTR reports
Break down many KPI’s
Bouncerates aching all the time
Goodbye, Featured Snippets
You’ve got to go
Gotta leave you all behind for competitors

Sistrix, oooh,
I don’t want to go offline
I Sometimes wish I’ve never been crawled at all

I see a little Google update in my stats
Oh my God, oh my God!
Will you post it on Twitter?

Phantom Panda Penguin, This is even bigger then?!
Gary Illyes, (Gary Illyes)
Gary Illyes, (Gary Illyes)
Gary Illyes can announce in his weblo-o-o-o-og

I’m just in Onpage, nobody loves me
He’s from a startup e-commerce platform
Spare him his job from this monstrous update

Easy click and convert
will you let me rank
A.I. says: “No, we will not let you rank” (Let him rank!)
A.I. says: “we will not let you rank” (Let him rank!)
A.I. says: “we will not let you rank” (Let him rank!)
Let me rank! Will not let you rank
Let me rank! Will not let you rank
Let me rank! Oh oh oh oh

No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Oh analytics, analytics
Analytics let me rank

Conversion rate is a ranking factor now for me
For me, for me, for me

So you think you can stop me from doing my tests?
So you think you’ll drive traffic with only search ads?

Oh, SEO
Can’t outrank me in SEO
Just gotta create
Just gotta get links to my content

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
SEO really matters
Anyone can rank
SEO really matters
SEO really matters, to me

Anyway the algo

Billy Joel – Product man

It’s nine o’clock on a conference
The keynote talk was a joke
There’s a janitor sitting next to me
Makin’ love to his KPI’s broke

He says, “Son, can you build me a decent app
The business plan here’s how it goes
Some API feats and I know to compete
When I wear the CEO clothes”

La la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Solve all our shit, you’re the product man
Solve all our shit tonight
Well, we’re all in the mood for some e-commerce
And you’ve got us scrummin’ alright

Now John from design is a friend of mine
Sending my sketches with glee
He’s conceptual strong
And he does nothing wrong
But there’s some team that he’d rather be
He says, “Bill, I believe I’m not made for this”
As designs losing love and all faith
“Well I’m sure that I could be in marketing
If we could please stop this campaign”

Oh, la la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Now Paul is a php specialist
Who just took a deep java dive
And he’s talkin’ with Davy, whose demands are crazy
And now has no time for a life

And the intern is speaking at tedx talks
As the seniors minds slowly close
They’ve encrypted insights in their backoffice
But at least they learn from the retros

Solve all our shit you’re the product man
Solve all our shit tonight
Well we’re all in the mood for some e-commerce
And you got us scrumming alright

Such a hidden sales trap for a conference
The overlords count happily
‘Cause they know that it’s me, with my puns and my memes
I’ve no clue about what I speak

And the platform, is bugged with a dozen flaws
And the tracking misses some clicks
But they sit at the board, see growth in my chores
And say, “Give us another quickfix!”

Oh, la la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Solve all our shit you’re the product man
Solve all our shit tonight
Well we’re all in the mood for some e-commerce
And you got us scrumming alright

Metallica – Nothing else converts

Content, no matter how strong
Couldn’t buy much more follow links
Forever trust in magazine
And nothing else converts

Never opened my SERPs this way
Landing page, we build them our way
All these posts I don’t relate
But nothing else converts

White hats seek, with their Google Blogs
Influenced by webmasters Vlogs
Blackhatworld was a different mood
And nothing else converts

Never cared for SEA
Never did affiliate
SEO

Toto – Search Console

I see the SERPs updating tonight
But I note only subtle fluctuations on the long tails

I download with the API
The echoes of some ordinary algorithm update
I start to note them in my sheets
Hoping to find some causes and effects or even penalties

They showed to me these KPIs
“Hurry boy, these keywords must be found!”

It’s gonna take a lot of data to analyze
There’s nothing that a hundred interns more can Excel
I’ll check the data in search console
Gonna take some time to find a python engineer

Black hats cry out in the night
Affiliates and partnerships all lose their interest slowly
I know that hat of mine is white
As sure as Featured Snippets rise and disappear among competitors

I seek to cure this SEO
Frightened of this thing that it’s become..

It’s gonna take a lot of data to analyze
There’s nothing that a hundred interns more can Excel
I’ll check the data in search console
Gonna take some time to find a python engineer

“Hurry boy, these keywords must be found!”

It’s gonna take a lot of data to analyze
There’s nothing that a hundred interns more can Excel
I’ll check the data in search console
Gonna take some time to find a python engineer

R.E.M. – Losing my Ambition

Oh, brand is bigger
It’s bigger than leads
Leads are short term
The campaigns I will set up
The long term they will take
Oh no, they cost too much
I’ll turn them off

That’s me at the conference
That’s me at the keynote
Showing our performance
Trying to hide realtime graphs
And I don’t know if they see through it
Oh no, it costs too much
I cannot trace enough

I thought we would do some YouTube
I thought we would do TV
I think I thought there was money

Every pixel of every single channel
is tracked by analytics
Trying to keep control on costs
Like the CPM deals, Rip-offs
Oh no, they cost too much
I turned it off

Consider this
Consider this
The key of the strategy
Consider this the brand
Boost in KPI’s, subtle
What if our conversions were still paid due to brand
Now I’ve turned them off

I thought we would do some YouTube
I thought we would do TV
I think I thought there was money

But that was just a plan
That was just a plan

That’s me at the conference
That’s me at the keynote
Showing our performance
Trying to hide realtime graphs
And I don’t know if they see through it
Oh no, they cost too much
I couldn’t trace enough

I thought we would do some YouTube
I thought we would do TV
I think I thought there was money

But that was just a plan
Our K, P, I’s die
That was just a plan, just a plan, just a plan
Plan

Oasis – Wondermail

Today is gonna be the day
That you’re gonna open my e-mail
Right now we got no discount
But we’ll open up season sale
I don’t believe that any webshop
Recommends the stuff, as we do now

Search ads, the acquisition mess
Where the competition’s very strong
I’m sure you’ve seen ’em all before
But their shipping time is way too long
I don’t believe that any webshop
Knows about your needs, as we do now

And all the segmentation pushed conversion
And all our branding efforts saved our asses
There are many KPI’s
That I would like to push but I don’t know how

Because lately, our automation team sent fake mails
And now we’re spam, here in CRM

Today was gonna be the day
That you should’ve opened my e-mail
Right now, still no discount
And didn’t even make a sale
I don’t believe that any webshop
Has nothing going wrong, but we do now

And all the segmentation pushed conversion
And all our branding efforts saved our asses
There are many KPI’s
That I would like to push but I don’t know how

I said lately, our automation team sent fake mails
And now we’re spam, here in CRM

I said lately, our automation team sent fake mails
our automation team sent fake mails
our automation team sent fake mails

David Bowie – Heroes (Customer Service)

I, I’m on the line
You, you will inquire
Though something could drive you away
You can call me, just don’t be afraid
I’ll be a salesman, just for one day

You, you will complain
And I, I will not blame
‘Cause of webshops, that will try to scam
Yes we’re real folks, we just send spam
Though some gifts will not be in stock yet
I’m a good listener, just for one call
I’ll save your marriage, just go to the mall

I, I wish you don’t call
As the call means, that something is wrong
Though these bugs, these bugs
Will kill our conversion
We will solve them, start optimisation
I will do QA, just for one day

I, I’m on the line
You, you will inquire
Though some things got switched by the mail
We will give discount, just leave a review
We can refund, just with one mail

I, I will remember (I remember)
Taking that first call (that first call)
And the lords listen carefully (carefully)
With the brand deep inside my soul (inside my soul)
But the dress was in another size
Oh we return them, for ever and ever
Customer service, just for one day

We will secure sales
We will do QA
We will return things
Just for one day
Customer service

We’re people, not answering machines
And we bring insights, now you listen to us
Now we will be heroes, not just one day

Phil Collins – In this sprint go live

I can feel this feature in this sprint go live, oh scrum
I’ve been searching for this data all Q4, oh scrum
Can you feel this feature in this sprint go live, oh scrum, oh scrum

Well if you wrote me a bug ticket, I would not care so much
I’ve seen BI throw KPI’s, but I don’t know if they are so agile
And I was lean and I saw your spreadsheets, I saw it through my Google Drive
So you can clear that roadmap, I’ll fill up that gap
It’s all full agile eyes

And I can feel this feature in this sprint go live,oh scrum
I’ve been searching for this data all Q4, oh scrum
I can feel this feature in this sprint go live, oh scrum, oh scrum
And I’ve been searching for this data all Q4, oh scrum, oh scrum

Well I pretended, I pretended, in Java, how could I ever ignore
our backend, or QA, are their needs met?
But I’ve only seen the product at our standup spot, not during meetings
Now in Python I code, but then QA shows

It’s all so been planned ahead!I can feel this feature in this sprint go live, oh scrum
I’ve been searching for this function for all Q4, oh scrum
I can feel this feature in this sprint go live, oh scrum
I’ve been searching for this function all Q4, oh scrum, oh scrum
I can feel this feature in this sprint go live, oh scrum
And I’ve been searching for this function all Q4, oh scrum, oh scrum

Nirvana – Smells like Slack Spirit

Load up on puns, bring your gifs
It’s for another teamlead myth
We’re all focused, attention slaves
Oh no, this meme I cannot save

hello, hello, hello, mute me
hello, hello, hello, mute me
hello, hello, hello, mute me
hello, hello, hello…

With the threads now, it’s all diffused
Here we are now, private channel
I feel stupid, and distracted
Here we are now, private channel
A wifi code, stupid keynote, a google doc, funny boss’ quote

Yeah, hey

Our platform sucks, and it crashed
Thankgod the frontend’s not dead yet
Our little team, will never be
Crossfunctional until this sprint

hello, hello, hello, mute me
hello, hello, hello, mute me
hello, hello, hello, mute me
hello, hello, hello…

With the threads now, it’s all diffused
Here we are now, private channel
I feel stupid, and distracted
Here we are now, private channel
A wifi code, stupid keynote, a google doc, funny boss’  quote

And I forget, to unread threads
And lost screenshots with my targets
I found bi, just closed their chat
Oh well, on #random there’s a cat

hello, hello, hello, mute me
hello, hello, hello, mute me
hello, hello, hello, mute me
hello, hello, hello…

With the threads now, it’s all diffused
Here we are now, private channel
I feel stupid, and distracted
Here we are now, private channel
A wifi code, stupid keynote, a google doc, funny boss’ quote
A disable, a disable, a disable, a disable, a disable
A disable, a disable, a disable, a disable

Rage Against the Machine – Clicking in the Name

Clicking in the name of

Some of those who run search ads
Are the same that won’t click them

Clicking in the name of

Now you measure your click rates

Those converts are mortified
For getting discounts on a affiliate sites

Some of those who run search ads
Are the same that won’t click them

Clicking in the name of

Now you measure your click rates
(now you do just the math)

Those converts are mortified
For getting discounts on a affiliate sites

F*ck you I don’t believe in display

Eurythmics – UX

UX is made of this

Who am I to design free?
I scavenge the web
And the seven trends,
Everybody’s user of some app.

Some of them want to age you
Some of them want your conversions too
Some of them want just a review
Some of them will A/B Test you.

UX is made of this
Who am I to design free?
I scavenge the web
And the seven trends,
Everybody’s user of some app.

Hold your devOps
Keep your app up, CRO
Hold your DevOps, CRO
Keep your app up, CRO
Hold your DevOps
Keep your app up, CRO
Hold your DevOps, CRO
Keep your app up, CRO

Everybody’s user of some app.
Some of them want to age you
Some of them want your conversions too
Some of them want just a review
Some of them will A/B Test you.

David Bowie & Mick Jagger – Reviewing the sprint

OK

CTO’s, Product Managers, Overlords, Devs, Marketing, QA, and Java

Calling out around all teams
Are you ready for a brand new sprint
Reviews here, performance bright
For reviewing the sprint
They’re testing on the staging
Leaving backlog out
Our newest features
All we need is beamers, and shared screens
With remote folks everywhere
We’ll do bugs and fixes, featured tickets
Reviewing the sprint

It doesn’t matter what you are,
Just as long as you half care
So come on, managers, roll your chairs,
Have no clue, what we share
It’s the review, review of the sprint

It’s the product iceberg above the water, a chance for folks to cheer
We’ll be hopeful and cheerful, slightly succesful
Review of the sprint

Progression today
A/B Tests are done now
Don’t forget the SEO thing
Or the app team updates
The newer payment method
Very technical stuff

All we need is beamers, and shared screens
There’ll be feedback everywhere
There’ll be bugs and fixes, featured tickets
Review of the sprint

It doesn’t matter what you are,
Just be slightly half aware
So come on, managers, roll your chairs,
Have no clue, what we share
It’s the review, review of the sprint

Updates and upgrades, until it’s late
Review of the sprint
Crossing checkout too
succes; true
Review of the sprint
Don’t you know
We’re reviewing
Review of the sprint
Review of the sprint

Depeche Mode – Customised Dashboard

Reach out, track sales!

Your own customised dashboard
Something that’s up to date
With your KPI’s
Your own customised dashboard
Something that’s up to date
With your KPI’s

Needing control
When your targets call
Clicks are low on the social poll
Focus on the checkout, make your manager proud.

No second guess,
The data knows best,
CTR tests,
In this e-commerce mess
I must deliver
attribute and pivot

Reach out, track sales!
Reach out, track sales!

Your own customised dashboard,
Something that’s up to date,
Your own customised dashboard,
Something that’s up to date,
With your KPI’s.

Needing control
When your targets call,
Clicks are low on the social poll,
Focus on the checkout, make your manager proud.

I must deliver,
attribute and pivot.

Reach out, track sales!
Your own customised dashboard
Reach out, track sales!
Reach out, track sales!
Reach out, track sales!

Reachout!
Reach out, track sales!
Reach out, track sales!

Elton John – I’m still spending

You would always know what is best
Traffic and orders freezing with that test
And there’s a budget cut that comes from you
You’ll end wrecking performance and seem to have no clue

And did you think this ad could not convert
Well, look at it, it is now a top keyword
I got a CTA in a simple way
And if you need to know while I’m still spending you just fade away

Don’t you know I’m still spending optimising all my bids
Took it from the PR budget, spending it on short-term wins
And I’m still spending even on mobile
Picking up the lowest hanging fruits with more growth on my mind

I’m still spending. Yeah, yeah, yeah
I’m still spending. Yeah, yeah, yeah

Once I never hoped to pause a thing
Your CPL was chasing me up in my dreams
The plans you made were meant to save your ass
And if our feed was really working we’d be on shopping now

Don’t you know I’m still spending optimising all my bids
Took it from the PR budget, spending it on short-term wins
And I’m still spending even on mobile
Picking up the lowest hanging fruits with more growth on my mind

I’m still spending. Yeah, yeah, yeah
I’m still spending. Yeah, yeah, yeah

Don’t you know I’m still spending optimising all my bids
Took it from the PR budget, spending it on short-term wins
And I’m still spending even on mobile
Picking up the lowest hanging fruits with more growth on my mind

I’m still spending. Yeah, yeah, yeah
I’m still spending. Yeah, yeah, yeah

Sam Sham & the Pharaohs – Display Banner

Uno dos one two tres quatro
Hey… Display banner
Watch it now, watch it
Here it comes, here it comes
Watch it now, he’ll get ya

Trainee told Intern, about a thing she saw
Had no clear goal, and no CTA
Display banner, Display banner
Yeah that’s right
Display banner, Display banner, Display banner

Trainee told Intern, let us save budgets
Let us optimize it, come and take it down
Display banner, Display banner
Display banner, Display banner, Display banner
Watch it now, watch it, watch it, watch it

Ay… Hey… Rar rar rar

Trainee told Hatty, it’s the thing to do
Spend your budget wisely, save on social too
Display banner, Display banner
Display banner, Display banner, Display banner
Watch it now, watch it, here he comes
You got it, you got it

Chuck Berry – SEO be black

Deep down on page eleven of the google SERPs

There lived a landing page with a URL
Between the kitchen, men’s room and the interns desk
Who made a landing page with a shady mask
He never ever learned to link or rank so well
But he would stuff them keywords like in a white hat hell

Go Go!
Go SEO go, go!
Go SEO go, go!
Go SEO go, go!
Go SEO go, go!
SEO be black

He used to hide up his keywords in the css
Put the images in the title tags
Oh, seniors were calling there meetings off
To crawl it and to find out it has sold our stuff
BI passes by analyse and say
“Oh my, for those pretty kpi’s I pray”

Go Go!
Go SEO go, go!
Go SEO go, go!
Go SEO go, go!
Go SEO go, go!
SEO be black

His intern told him someday you will be called spam
And you will be a figure in a bigger scam
Many schemes linking from blogs and leads
Have automated fraudulous affiliate deals
Maybe some day his internship is done
Leading blackhatworld.com

Go Go!
Go SEO go, go!
Go SEO go, go!
Go SEO go, go!
Go SEO go, go!
SEO be black

Boudewijn de Groot – Jimmy

Hoe sterk is het eenzame

keyword dat ongevonden
over z’n search intention peinst
De answer box krijgt

Hoe zelfbewust het selling cluster
dat voor de ogen van de homepage
wel dubbel rankt
Niet converteren wilt

Hoe lacht vergenoegd die affiliate website
die ons steeds duurdere links verkoopt
En toch niets opbrengt

En ik zit hier tevreden met een lagere SI
die answer box die staat nog
Ondanks updates en dubbel ranks
Klikken ze nog steeds

Als ‘ie maar geen onpager wordt
Ze negeren hem misschien halfdood

Maar liever dat nog dan de hangmat op het strand
van de affiliate man
Want daar rankt ie alleen maar slechter van

Het Goede Doel – België

Waar kan ik heen

Ik kan niet naar Facebook
Kan niet naar Facebook
Daar zijn ze zo streng

Waar kan ik heen
Ik kan niet naar e-mail
Kan niet naar e-mail
Daar doen ze zo eng

Ik wil niet werken voor offline
Want offline dat is me te saai
Wat ICT Beheer betreft
Dat land bestaat niet echt

Waar kan ik heen
Ik wil geen operations
Niet operations
Daar gaat alles stuk

Waar kan ik heen
Ik kan niet naar DevOps
Ook niet naar DevOps
Dat is me te druk

Ik wil niet werken in outsource
Want outsource dat is me te nat
Of als python script expert
Dat gaat me net te ver

Zit er leven in Google
Kun je ‘t algoritme aan?
Is er een plaats tussen de keywords waar ik heen kan gaan

Ik heb getwijfeld over SEO
Want het is soms maar geluk
Ik heb getwijfeld over SEO
Omdat iedereen daar linkt

Ik deed zelfs een a/b test
Maar ik had geen enkel resultaat
Ik heb getwijfeld over SEO

Published in Blog

One Comment

  1. Unknown

    Unknown

    The original songs will never be the same to me again…

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